The Layabout’s Guide to: Domesticity

Welcome to The Layabout’s Guide to Life! Learn how to expend just enough effort to fool a casual observer into thinking that you have your shit together! Here’s some tips for avoiding housework:

  1. Put everything in the dishwasher. Like, everything. Shove it in there like you’re playing Tetris. If I had super fancy china or something I might hand-wash, but I don’t… Because then I would have to hand-wash. For those horrible items that you must wash by hand, buy a drying rack and let ‘em air dry.

  2. Put everything in the washing machine. Like, everything. Ignore instructions to hand-wash-only, or to use a separate “delicate” cycle, or to have angels gently scrub the fabric with the flapping of their holy wings. If something can’t survive a regular cycle in one of those mesh bags, it doesn’t belong on your body because it is WEAK.

  3. Do you know how many times you can re-wear a pair of jeans before washing? It’s a lot.

  4. Clumsy in the kitchen? Keep a Floor Towel™ around. A Floor Towel™ is a dishtowel that has gotten dirty enough to replace before laundry day. Rather than throwing that towel in a laundry hamper like a normal human adult, toss it on the floor and use it to wipe up spills with your foot. In time, the convenience will numb your disgust. Embrace that numbness.

  5. Dogs are the original Roomba.

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